I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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