You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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