He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize