I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
