You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
