Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize
