You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
