my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I have fence marks all over my body
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
