i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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