either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
