Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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