I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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