Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
