Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
