it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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