gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
