I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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