I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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