if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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