Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
