I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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