Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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