I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
