remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My vagina just recognized that song.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
