I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
