Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
