Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
