He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
