I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
