i need an iv and a liver transplant
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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