True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
