Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
