Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
