my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The cops high fived after they tackled you
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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