I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
