oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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