I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize