No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
