Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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