Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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