hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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