I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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