News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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