And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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