Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
