Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
