he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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