Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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