my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
