I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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