oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
