apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize