My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
