You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
