bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
