Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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