I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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