then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
