i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
