tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize