I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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