Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
