I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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