i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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