Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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