PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
i believe in u and ur pee
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
