i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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