he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
