beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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