You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
